


Certain Discouraged Behavior

by lavellanpls



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack, Gen, Kink Meme, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4334855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavellanpls/pseuds/lavellanpls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: <i>"Things The Inquisitor Is No Longer Allowed To Do."</i></p><p>or, Lavellan is a sassy little Dalish shit with 0% propriety and poor Josie’s just trying her best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Certain Discouraged Behavior

“Inquisitor,” Josephine called before Lavellan could reach the door. She waved the elf over without looking up from the mess of paperwork on her desk. “A word, if you have a moment?” She nodded to an empty chair beside the window. “Please, take a seat. This _may_ take a while…”

Uh oh. Lavellan dragged the chair over to the desk’s front, expression knit in unease. “Is everything alright?”

“Fine,” she assured, “But remember the, ah, meeting we had earlier in the week? Regarding certain discouraged behavior?”

“…is this about more things I’m not allowed to do?”

“In so many words,” she conceded. “Some new input from your advisors—and a few party members—has brought up a few new additions to the list of- well. ‘Things you are not allowed to do.’ Do you wish for me to start with any certain complaint, or shall I just…begin at the top?”

Lavellan gave a relieved sigh before settling back into her chair. A list? Sure, she could handle a list. “Alright. Hit me.”

“Of course.” Josephine tapped her stack of papers into a neat pile, cleared her throat, and began: “First, mud pit wrestling is not an acceptable—or available—form of punishment, and you cannot sentence people to it.”

“Disappointing, but fair enough.”

“Second, using magical barriers for recreation is now prohibited. I’m sure you understand why.” The ambassador looked up briefly from her list to make sure Lavellan was paying particular attention to that one. “Shouting ‘Barrier me’ and then leaping off cliff sides has given your party cause for worry. Similarly, you are doubly prohibited from telling Iron Bull to ‘chuck you at the enemy.’ Barrier or not, that is…not a recommended attack, Inquisitor.”

“Hey,” she defended, “you have to admit that was a first, and so do the Venatori. They did _not_ see that coming.”

“Prohibited,” Josephine repeated firmly. “Third. Please cease referring to visiting Orlesian nobles as ‘bourgeoisie trash.’ They know what it means, and they are not amused.”

“Typical bourgeoisie trash,” she murmured.

Josephine very successfully ignored it. “Next, I believe is… Ah. Solas has insisted you stop growing whatever plant it is you brought back from the Frostback Basin—some manner of elfroot, it looks like?—with the explanation of, and I quote, ‘she knows why.’ He did not seem pleased. Oddly, Sera has separately requested you keep growing it, and she seemed _very_ pleased. I am unsure how to proceed here, but I…feel it’s worth mentioning.”

Lavellan could only offer a lame shrug. “Let’s, uh…just chalk it up to an elf thing?”

“Right. Next, then. You are not to write ‘help me’ in the margins of books in an attempt to convince Dorian the library is haunted. He does not find it funny, and is also starting to believe it.”

“That is definitely _not_ m-”

“Sixth, is it? Ah, yes. Sixth on the list. You _must_ cease shouting things while charging into battle. It unsettles the soldiers.”

“Well that’s kind of the point, Josie.”

“ _Our_ soldiers,” she amended.  “…I believe among the reported battle cries were, specifically, _Blood for the blood god,_ _The beast comes silently for all,_ and lastly, _The death god requires more bones for the skeleton throne._ ” She looked up from the report disappointedly. “Really, Inquisitor.”

“If you think _our_ soldiers are unsettled,” she defended, “you should see the other guys.”

She briskly flipped to the next page. “Moving on… You are hereby _banned_ from the infirmary, at the request of the head surgeon, due to ‘repeated antagonizing’ of the staff. On a related note, you are likewise barred from using the phrases ‘blood-thieving charlatan,’ ‘people butcher,’ and, my personal favorite, ‘leech-mongering angel of death.’ Quite colorful, Inquisitor.”

“You have _got_ to make her stop bleeding people, Josie. Honestly, I am shocked anyone is still alive with her lurking around. You can’t _bleed_ people! They need that blood!”

“I will be sure to make a note. Although that transitions well into the next issue: You are not to physically fight other residents of Skyhold.” She cast a narrow glance up from her papers. “Speaking of which, Seggrit still demands an apology.”

“Demand denied. Tell him maybe he shouldn’t call people ‘knife-ear.’ Meanwhile, I’ll await the apology he owes _me_ for being an absolute racist ass in my vicinity.”

Josephine moved to argue, but stopped short and settled on a shrug of agreement. “Fair enough. Moving on, then. You are no longer permitted to use the following words: moist, succulent, phlegm, slacks, pulp, gulch, mucus, and/or lugubrious. Varric says you know why. He later filed a _separate_ request that you stop editing said words into his books, although he admits he has no proof it was you outside of ‘who else is that weird’ and ‘Maker help me, it’s Hawke all over again.’ Although I’m unsure if he meant for that last part to be recorded.”

“Noted.” Lavellan nodded. “And I will not.”

Josephine continued with a sigh. “Next- well. This is certainly not a request I ever thought I’d have to make. But please, I must insist…remain fully clothed while outside of your private quarters, at all times.”

Her head tipped up in sudden attention. “What? Everywhere? What about the hall?”

“Especially. In. The hall.”

“Bu- well…” Nonplussed, she could only make a vague offended noise. “What if I get hot?”

Josephine very discreetly massaged her aching temple. “Inquisitor. Skyhold is a mountain fortress. Surrounded by snow.”

“I can’t control my body temperature. Don’t mock me for things I can’t control.”

“I must ask that you try.”

Lavellan slid down in her seat with a thin frown. “Is this about the nipple incident?”

“This is precisely about the nipple incident.”

“Prudes,” she huffed, brow furrowing deeper in indignation. “It’s _my_ castle. If they don’t want to see them, they don’t have to look.”

Somehow Josephine didn’t seem swayed by that argument.

“Since we’re on the topic of inappropriate public behavior… While there is certainly nothing wrong with a bit of, ah, _public affection_ , it has been requested that you kindly refrain from especially _aggressive_ acts of affection. In public.”

“Right. What counts as aggressive, in this context?” At Josephine’s abashed expression she delicately amended, “Other than, you know…the obvious stuff. Like the, uh. Well. The...”

“Grabbing,” she supplied. “Specifically the incidents of grabbing followed by the announcement of your intention to…well. ‘ _Expletive removed_ him into the middle of next Sunday.’ Among others.”

Lavellan had conveniently found a very interesting candle to look at. Clearing her throat for effect, Josephine continued. “While I am happy that your relationship is going well, I feel I must take this opportunity to remind you about the previously established ‘no intimate acts in public spaces’ rule from our last meeting. I would _also_ like to remind you that the library is, indeed, public space.”

“…we were quiet?” she defended weakly.

“Public,” Josephine repeated. “And I am told you were not.”

**Author's Note:**

> you will never convince me people who live in the forest wear clothes ALL the time I mean


End file.
